Zelda Gripes

[The Blackangel]

It's one of my favorite series, but I have to gripe about it. I'm going to go game by game for the ones I have played the most, and get into the ones I haven't last.

The Legend Of Zelda---
Where do I even begin. First off there is no form of civilization. There are random people, all of which live in caves, and there are moblins, tektites, and octoroks roaming everywhere. Where the hell does the "royalty" live? Who made Zelda a princess? Then there are the temples? Why is one in a tree? Why is one under a pond that requires music to open? Why is another under a bush that you have to burn down? Why is one in a rock that you have to blow open with a bomb? How the fuck are you even supposed to find the last three if you're new to the game? What about the weapons? Are you supposed to fight the entire game with a damn 2x4 aka, the wood sword? Unless you get lucky enough to find the white sword and know exactly where to look for the magic sword, the answer is yes. Also, why is virtually every god damn boss the same fucking dragon? Gleeok and Aquamentus. Repeatedly in the dungeons. There is Digdogger, Gohma, and Dodongos. Once as bosses. Not much of a fight there. If you time it right with a Dodongo, you can hit it with a bomb to slow it down, then stab it with your sword. Yawn. And one sword hit then one silver arrow to beat Ganon? Are you fucking with me right now? Also, finding some of the items in the game is pure dumb luck.

Hyrule changes landscape.

Zelda II The Adventure Of Link---
At least we're getting a more accurate title, but holy shit. Now Zelda is laid out on a pedestal. I still can't figure out if she's dead or under a sleep spell as everyone says something different. And I'm not even going to get into the whole timeline bullshit for this series.
You walk out and are in the goofiest overworld view in the history of gaming. Link looks like a penis with gangrene. Then there are shadows that attack you, appearing randomly, and disappearing in seconds if they don't catch you. All the dungeons look exactly the same. No variation in graphics, but the same was with the first one, though not to this scale. It's a side scroller in which link can jump. You get no items that you can wield, but instead spells. Ugh, here we go. But my biggest gripe, is the towns. Hyrule has suddenly become a nation with civilians. Many of which are apparently vampires as they turn into fucking bats. Where did all this land, temples and towns suddenly come from? And where is Lake Hylia? I see the ocean. But apparently Lake Hylia dried up for the most part and is now a god damn swamp. Why is there a (spider?) blocking your way to the (Lost Hills? Death Mountain?) where you have to go to get one of the most important items in the game? And why is it guarded by the most powerful and aggressive enemy in the game? And why the hell when it kills me can I not start at the beginning of the cave? Why do I have to start all the way back at Zelda's bed, and try to make my way back through the damn cave maze to get back to the one that has the hammer, just so that damn thing can kill me again and I have to redo this shit 20 more times. A little bit of a chance that doesn't require a frickin Game Genie would have been nice. Assholes.

Hyrule changes landscape. Again.

Zelda: A Link To The Past---
Oh god. When did link suddenly have family members? And why does he live in a one bed home with his uncle? Is there something going on there that I neither need nor want to know about? And that thing behind it with the black (hole?). Is that a toilet? Can't they build an outhouse so they don't have to smell it all the time? And why are there palace guards blocking every path from Link's house except the one to the castle? Wouldn't palace guards have better things to do than blocking me from a swim in the lake during a rainstorm, or a quick run to a town that never existed before? Link's strength is something that always bugged the hell out of me. He can rip a bush out of the ground, but can't pick up a damn rock? Major misstep in logic there. Wouldn't the hole that link is supposed to fall down to get inside the palace have been discovered and covered up by now? Anyway, your uncle is down there, with his ass already kicked. You go through a bunch of crap, literally since you have to wade trough sewers, to save Zelda and get her to a priest in the church. Then you go out, and follow cryptic clues to find the old man. The dungeons. FINALLY!! There is difference between each dungeon. And they're not cryptically hidden. For the most part at least.
Kakariko Village bugs the hell out of me. Where did all the other towns go? Why is there now a palace? Is link so hot that women's hearts break since they don't have him, and that's why he goes around collecting heart pieces? And what the hell is the real function of the damn bug net? You can catch bees and faeries with it to put in jars. That's. It. Other than that, it serves no purpose whatsoever. Lot of help there kid. That'll work great against Ganon. The biggest question, is who the ever living hell is Chris Houlihan?

 

Zelda 64: Ocarina Of Time---
What's a Kokiri? What's Goron? What the hell is a Gerudo? Why are the Zoras suddenly friendly? When did they suddenly decide to build a town in front of the castle? When did Kakariko village move to Death Mountain? Why in all the 3 dungeons as a child do I have to enter something through the fucking mouth? Did the scripters have an oral fixation that would have been better left at home? Gohma, Dodongo, Virus. Interesting choices for bosses as a child. But did I really need to wait 6 years for his royal highness king Zora to move his fat ass out of the way so that I could enter his god by the mouth? Pervy yet? Why do a bunch of kids worship a tree? Why do fish-people worship a fish? Why would I buy a fish in their shop for 300, when 6' away I can catch one for free? Also with a broken bridge, how did those idiotic carpenters get across the canyon in Gerudo Valley? And why would they tink they could join a band of all female thieves? And please tell me who it was that decided that god damn owl was a good idea so I can remove them from the gene pool.
And, who the hell here acutally uses Farore's Wind? that has to be just about the most useless item in the history of Zelda games.

 

Zelda: Link's Awakening---
Why the hell was he out in the ocean in a tiny boat in the first place? What was he actually looking for? Atlantis? And what girl is going to find a guy washed up on the beach and her first instinct is to take him home and put him in bed? My first instinct would be to think that it was a trap, and to run like hell. But, once again, Link must be really cute. Once again, we also have to deal with an extremely annoying owl. The Switch port was sickening. Sure, it's prettier, but it's not the same game. What the hell is up with the majority of these bosses? A face in the floor? A genie? A worm in the walls? Come on. And again, I have to enter something through the mouth. Nintendo devs are perverts. End of story.

 

The following are games that I only have one short thing to say, of the ones I've played.

Zelda: Majora's Mask---
Crack is not your friend.

Zelda Wind Waker---
It's a cartoon. I already have the series on DVD. AND WHEN THE FUCK DID LINK GET A SISTER????

Zelda Breath Of The Wild---
Yawn.

Zelda Oracle Of Ages/Seasons---
Da fuq?

Zelda Skyward Sword---
Not a Zelda Game.

[Shagger]

Love the rant. There is so many things in the Zelda series that are nonsensical and with little to no connection to the other games it's actually kind of amazing. It is fairly easy to ignore some of this and take each game as it's own interpretation of the Zelda story. Still a great series, but one would have an easier time trying to understand the Crimean War then trying to understand the timeline and links between the Zelda games.

[Demon_skeith]

Nice rant, but really, what do you have aginst Oracle Of Ages/Seasons? 

[The Blackangel]

I don't have anything against either of them. They're just weird entries in the Zelda franchise, the same as Links Awakening.

 

One game I didn't mention was Twilight Princess. While it had beautiful graphics, it was just overdone. They tried to cram too much into one game, and failed in their attempt to make an open world Zelda game. It got to the point fairly early that the only part I even enjoyed was the beginning in Ordon Village.

[Demon_skeith]

4 hours ago, The Blackangel said:

I don't have anything against either of them. They're just weird entries in the Zelda franchise, the same as Links Awakening.

 

One game I didn't mention was Twilight Princess. While it had beautiful graphics, it was just overdone. They tried to cram too much into one game, and failed in their attempt to make an open world Zelda game. It got to the point fairly early that the only part I even enjoyed was the beginning in Ordon Village.

 

I agree, it felt overwhelming at times for that game and some stuff was just too easy or ridiculous if I recall right.